Gandhi Rule: One Way to Respond When Feeling Violated, Disrespected, or Angry.

This is a lesson about compassion that I learned the hard way, but wish I had learned earlier. For those of you who I have not been kind to or patient with, I apologize. I share this in the hope that others may benefit and learn from my mistakes.

I have come to love principled non-violence over the years, not because I feel bad about hurting others primarily, but because I lose respect for myself when others are hurt due to my actions. It took many years to realize that my feelings of anger towards others and my own irritability came from the fact that I did not respect myself. I lacked internal strength. My negative thoughts towards others hurt me more than they hurt others. My girlfriend has a quote she likes, which is "You have to respect yourself first."

I've heard a few stories about Gandhi, that illustrate this point and serve as a reminder to me. The first story goes something like this. One day Gandhi received a letter from a boy. The boy said, "I was being bullied and I wanted to punch the other boy, but I remembered that I should act non-violently and I decided not to hit him, however, I felt ashamed afterwards."

To which Gandhi replied, "You should have hit him", and added something similar to his famous quote, in fact this might have been the point where it originated, "it is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence."

A frequent thing that Gandhi did in regards to being uncertain how to behave when he felt violated or that something was unjust was to choose not to act if he didn't know a better way. 

This can be seen in the Gandhi movie at one point during his South African struggles, when Martin Sheen's character, a reporter, asks "What do you think an important professional should write about your response to General Smut's newest legislation?" 

To which Gandhi replies "I don't know. I am still searching for a response." Not knowing what to do, is okay, and maybe as good as you can get for now.

Gandhi Rule

That leads me what I call my I call my Gandhi rule. Whenever I feel compelled to act to fix a situation or respond to feeling disrespected and my feelings contain anger or malice it means I am allowing others to dictate my self-worth, and that I don't respect myself. Instead, I can choose to do nothing. I must first find respect in myself. If there is a real problem that needs to be addressed, I do can do it later. I can wait until I find a more compassionate solution. If I do not respect myself, there is no action I can take that will create respect in others or create meaningful lasting change. The reason I wait is not to be nice to others, but because I don't like the way that I feel about myself when I don't act from a place of strength, and I am the one who is left unhappy afterwards.