Parenting: Half an Hour a Day

I grew up in an extremely abusive and neglectful family and life. So like most people my parents were far from perfect. So I try to think about what could have been different. While the ideal would have been for them to get their act together, that's not realistic.  That's a difficult a disk for any of us. However if there was one thing my parents could have done, it would have been to spend a half an hour a day with me.

By "half an hour a day", I don't me simply being in the room or house with me or watching TV, but just sitting down with me and whatever I was doing. They would not really have had to even talk. They would not have had to play. They could still have their issues. However, I would have wanted them to just be there and not be doing anything else. No cleaning. No household chores. No phone calls.  Just sitting one on one with me. Just present with me.

As a parent sitting like this is hard, but I think it demonstrates many things that are useful to a child. First, it shows that the parents are available physically and to a large degree emotionally. This builds a sense of safety.

Second, it builds stability. Knowing that I would have had some quality time with my parents on a consistent basis provides order to my life. Something I can count on each day.

Third, it nurtures self-esteem. Just being, regardless of what I am doing, would have said that I am okay just as I am, doing whatever it is that I do. As a parent, I find just sitting builds my own self-esteem as well, and that I provide a role model to my children.

Have you tried just sitting with your child for a half an hour and just being without doing anything? It really challenges your sense of self worth and you have to learn to accept that who you are, just as you are, is good enough. This mirrored back to the child.

Fourth, having my parents be there in this way would have allowed my physical body to relax and just sit. No need for constant activity and distracting. Just letting my mind rest. In a way it would have been like a form of childhood meditation.

Even as  I child I think I could have understood how crazy my mother was and separated her craziness from my self-esteem. I could understand how she has other things in life she has to attend to. My self-esteem would have been stronger and I would be much more prepared emotionally for all the trauma that occurred in all aspects of my life. I would have been much more able to survive the abuses from everyone. I would have more strength to face the injustice and realize it wasn't me.

So my goal is to spend at least a half an hour a day with my kids everyday.