One of the things that I believe is detrimental to the positive energy that helps a company succeed is talking about others behind their back. One of the organizations I am involved with is facing this problem on a grand scale. This is a problem for each and every employee regardless of where you sit, as the talker, the one being talked about, or the one listening.
Usually this starts with one person having a problem. They don't know how to resolve the problem so they start blaming someone else. For example George has a problem with Betty because Betty doesn't seem to know what she is talking about. George might say "Betty is really bad. Don't get me wrong, I like Betty as a person and she's wonderful, but when she is in on customer meetings she says stupid things and makes herself look horrible. She hurts the company. She really shouldn't be in this position."
There are many problems with this type of thing. On the surface it might seem that George is very interested in helping the company and does value Betty. First, when we do not speak constructively and positively, the fundamental problems don't get addressed and solved. In this case, "Are we succeeding with customers and if not, how we deal with that?"
Second, George feels bad. Having a problem with someone else doesn't feel good to the person having the problem. George would benefit in his own happiness from learning more constructive approaches to communicating.
Third, the listener leaves the conversation thinking..."What is this person saying about me behind my back?" Even if George seems somewhat justified, the listener ends up feeling bad as well. The listener now feels worried.
When we talk about someone behind their back, as in this example, many people feel bad and the problem doesn't get solved. George feels bad about Betty. Betty will inevitably find out, and so she will feel bad in many ways. She will feel bad both because someone thinks negative of her and because the other person publicly humiliated her. The listener will feel bad about George because they will think he has no tact even if they are not consciously aware of it. The listener will feel bad about George as well. At the end of the day, everyone feels bad and the problem doesn't get resolved. Not only that, but often the problem will get worse, because now there is negative morale.
In this case, I think we need to start with the basic rules.
First, don't talk about people behind their back, ever.
If you're listening side of things, this is like bullying in school. If you hear it or see it, you need to stop it. Take a stand. Tell the person to talk directly to that person, and if they can't tell them to find someone who can help them with their problem.
Second, start by talking to the person directly. If you have a problem with someone talk to them directly. Use non-violent communication. There are some amazing books on this subject, but in lieu of that try to follow these simple steps:
1. Describe the problem objectively and own your opinion about it -- use specific examples "Betty when you talk to a customer and you say things like 'wifi routers make great stoves' I believe that you make us sound unprofessional and that hurt's us."
2. Describe a positive solution "I believe we would be more productive if you would learn more about technology."
If you struggle with the person and you end up in a fight, suggest that you find a third party to help. The issue is important to you and they are obviously frustrated and so are you, and you want to succeed.
Third, if you do not see how to talk to the person constructively, then ask for help from someone else, but do so in a way that takes ownership of the problem and does not blame. For example, "David, I am having a problem with Betty. I don't know how to deal with it. Can you help me?" Even if you fail at everything else, this is a good place to start. You are taking ownership of the problem, and admitting you're failing at it.
Some of this comes back to some basic ideas about our ownership of problems. Steven Covey of the 7 Habits of Effective People suggests that we are most successful when we focus on the things we can control, and we can't control others. He calls this our circle of influence. We have control over our behaviors not others. If George has a problem with Betty at the end of the day this is George's problem. George is the one who feels bad and is getting upset.
I discussed the ideas I just presented here with someone else, and they thought this method deterred employees being open about problems they are having and that are real problems to the organization. They felt it was okay to talk about someone else behind their back as long as it was not "trash talk." I believe it is all trash talk if the speaker is not taking responsibility for the problem. When would any of us feel comfortable about someone talking about us behind our backs under just about any circumstance that was not positive or glowing? We would want to be involved. This is even the basics of the justice system. We have a right to face our accuser.
Suppose that Betty is actually horrible at talking to customers. If you are her boss it's your responsibility to work with her and if you don't believe it's a good fit, then you need to take responsibility for that. There is still no need to talk with anyone else, unless you want advice on how you can solve the problem. If it's not about finding a solution that helps you deal with Betty, it's best not talk about it. If you really need to talk and vent, talk to your significant other or therapist.
If you are working with Betty and she is your peer, then again, talk to her directly. If you do believe she is really not helping or is hurting the company, and you don't believe talking to her is helping, talk to your boss or her superior and own the problem, and don't blame Betty. Your boss or her superior can make their own decisions about what is best, that's not your place and you will make yourself look bad to everyone by suggesting solutions that were not asked for.
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