Human In Human Out: Connecting With People

This article is definitely in part thanks to my speech coach, Kristen Curran of the Speech Improvement Company who I've been working with for years. She has been one of the most helpful people in my career over the years.

One of the main principles of conversation that she reminds me of frequently, is the human in, human out, conversation style. When we want to connect with people, especially in a professional manner, we want to start the conversation on the human level, talk a little about business, and end it on the human level.

Generally this means that we start talking about non-business things, like "How are the kids?" or "What are you doing for the holidays?" After that, then, we can segway into business stuff, "Hey, what do you think about that proposal I sent you?" When that's done, we can end with "Thank you. Make sure you enjoy some chocolate for me while you travel in Switzerland!"

For example, I am starting a new business selling coffee machines, so I asked her "when I talk to people I am confused how to talk about my business. I don't want to bore them with what I am doing, but simultaneously, they might be interested. I also don't want to be pushy."

Her tip was basically that I should keep the conversation human, and interject only a little business. In part this depends upon the context of course. At my home I might give people a cup of coffee; however, if was talking to a parent at my childrens' school and they ask the perennial questions "So what do you do?" I can reply in some manner like "I'm a retired entrepreneur. I am starting a new business around coffee. I am a huge coffee fanatic. I traveled all over the world and I fell in love with the coffee of Switzerland, made by this special machine called a Jura. I loved it so much I decided to start a business around it. Do you like coffee?"

The conversation is initially human, I interject a little business, but in a human way. Then I can close it with something like "Do you like coffee?" to try to keep it human and give the person an exit strategy to talk about themselves. I avoid pushing the business. If they want to know more of course I can oblige.

The deeper the relationship, the more time we can stay in the business realm.

Twitter

I've found these rules particularly useful in the world of social media as well. I have been lurking for a while and watching who seems to be more successful and who isn't. Clearly fame and entertainment is a major factor--look at Ashton Kutcher--however, when I look at the people who have built a following, I notice a major trend. They keep it human.

I see so many people venture into social media, and they use it as the next spamming tool. I find these people annoying and I imagine I am not alone in my sentiment. I am surprised by some people who are actually pretty savvy in the tech or designs worlds who seem to miss this too.

In the case of Twitter, we are communicating with the general public, and as a result, we want to keep the conversation more human, and only interject business on occasion. If you want to see examples of this, look at some of the people whom I've grown to admire such as Laura Kalbag @laurakalbag, Mike Rohde @rohdesign, and Jessica Hische @jessicahische.

For more reading, I recommend Laura Kalbag's article at http://laurakalbag.com/open-for-business/.

Feelings Card Game

Feelings Game For Children (or Adults)

I had a long talk with my daughter about why we have timeout. Ultimately the reason is that we want to teach emotional regulation. The healthiest people tend to be able to recognize the differences between feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. They understand what their unmet wants are, and they know how to take responsibility for what they can do to help themselves self regulate.

Much of this comes from my experience as a patient at McLean Hospital, Harvard's psychiatric facility, and seeing how much people can be helped by understanding and practicing these simple concepts. One of the main premises is that we cannot change our feelings, but we can control our thoughts and behaviors through our choices and that these can influence feelings.

These are difficult concepts for a child. So I thought I might attempt to make a game/activity that might help teach this better. This is just a quick brainstorm, so please be kind, but this is the idea. The game consists of a series of cards and the child has to lay out them depending upon how they are feeling.

1. Stage 1: Identify Feelings and Unmet Wants
2. Stage 2: Identify Thoughts Behind Feelings
3. Stage 3: Identify Behaviors That These Feelings Motivate in You
4. Stage 4: Identify Ways to Self Regulate That Show You Take Responsibility

What do you think?

Are you Ferrari or Toyota?

I am currently the CEO of an Internet banking corporation called JSA Technologies. In some ways the company is seeing unprecedented growth and in other ways it seems to be dying. The question is: which is it? Is it dying or growing? Is it doing well or poorly? A series of animosity seems to have developed among some people. To make matters more complicated, the equity holders are diverse and include friends, ex-roommates, and my ex-wife. How do you make decisions in an environment like this and be successful?

One of the biggest mistakes I see people making in business or any organization for that matter is not being clear who they are who they want to be. Without a clear identity how do you know whether you are succeeding and failing? How do you make decisions?

Many people have the ideal of “we just want to be successful!” But what does that mean? People would probably say that both Toyota and Ferrari are successful but they are completely different. Do you want to be the biggest company in the world with the most customers? Or do you want to be a more niche company highly profitable with high quality standards and a limited market?

Minimize Power Struggles

If you have an identity, decision making is easier. Team disputes are minimized because you can talk about whether it consistent with the identity rather than who is right and who is wrong. It is much like raising kids. With family rules or a routine, when you have a problem you can simply point to the rules you all agreed upon.

Increase Efficiency and Speed

When you are faced with so many decisions you can reduce your financial costs by increase your efficiency and speed. You will spend less time debating what is right and wrong and more on how to achieve success.

Improve Employee Morale

People work for more than money. This is a big mistake managers often forget to remember. People work because as Stephen Collins author of Good to Great says, because there is a higher purpose. A clear identity is that higher purpose. At first the idea of making money appeals to most people, because in the beginning it seems easy and it's easy to forget about all the work involved, but after awhile this ship runs out of steam because it's a hard path and we desires something greater. We desire a path which invigorates us and keeps us going on the long haul. Something that when our life is over we can be proud of.

Festering Petulance

Without a clear identity, people can become restless and you foster an environment that seems cold and inhuman where people work countless hours without a clear reason in mind. They get grumpy and negative. They back talk. They lose focus. They fall short.

Create an Identity

To move forward we are creating an identity. I an excited about the identity we are developing and hope to share some of it here. Your identity doesn't need to be a cold mission statement. It does probably have to start with a clear understanding of your own identity. What do you want to see in the world? Be bold! As Stephen Covey said "Begin With The End in Mind". Life is short, have fun. Not everyone is going to get behind it. That's okay. If you can't agree on an identity as a team, then maybe you need to find ways to go in different ways. It's frustrating, but better to face reality now than avoid real problems which will only get bigger with time. Life is short...very very very short.

Ironing: Save Time, Save Money, Be Organized, and Reduce Waste

Ironing has always been a problem for and I've found a good solution that is easy and respects the environment: the Singer Iron Press.

The Problem

For years I've worn button down shirts and had to iron them. I used to go to the dry cleaner, but I didn't like the extra errand. I didn't like the extra driving. I didn't like getting the shirts home. I didn't like removing the plastic and making more trash. I didn't like the cheap hangers, that seemed to multiply. I didn't like having to remember to bring the clothes to the cleaners. On top of it, I had to pay for it. In some ways this reminded me of salad bars. You pay to do the work yourself and it's not even that great at the end. Then there is the time to take out all that trash and organize my closet at some point from all the extra hangers.

In theory the concept of going to the dry cleaner is supposed to be easier. Overall I found for my 5 weekly shirts that it took me about 15-20 minutes of time per week, and I paid about $20.00.

Steam Closet

I thought about the solutions quite a bit. I considered first, a steam closet. A steam closet is an appliance like a washer or dryer in which you can hang your clothes, it steams them as they hang, and the wrinkles theoretically come out. Unfortunately the reviews were not that great, and they seemed to only mildly remove the wrinkles. If you really want to get the wrinkles out, you need to press them.

Traditional Iron

I considered ironing clothes myself, but it just takes too long and is too much work. I have to have and store an ironing board. It takes a long time...about 11 minutes per shirt. I wear about 5 shirts a week, so that's an hour of ironing. No thanks.

Iron Press

Then I found the Singer Iron Press (available at Amazon). It's a smaller version of the type of press a professional dry cleaner would use. It's great! I can iron a shirt within a few minutes. I can iron my five shirts within 20 minutes. Furthermore I find I iron lots of other stuff too, like pants, napkins, and the kids clothes.

Here's why it's very cool. First, the iron and ironing board are one piece, and it's smaller than a traditional ironing board. This makes it easier to store and use. It just closes up and I put it in the closet. It's portable.

Second, it applies 100 pounds of pressure to shirt, which makes the wrinkles come out more easily. This also saves your arm. The leveraging power of the clamshell design does the work for you, no pushing an iron around.

Third, it has a large surface. You can iron large portions quickly, because it's like a mini ironing board.

Fourth, it has built in steam jets, so as you close it, you press the button on the handle and the steam jets quickly steam the entire surface.

When I finish ironing I hang my shirts on wooden hangers that I bought from Ikea, although there are plenty of places to buy them online. As a result my closet is always organized to the point that it seems like I have OCD, but the hangers don't build up and the wooden hangers are more attractive. In fact I've spent less effort, less money, and done less damage to the environment.

Corporate Culture: Talking Behind Someones Back Hurts Everyone

One of the things that I believe is detrimental to the positive energy that helps a company succeed is talking about others behind their back. One of the organizations I am involved with is facing this problem on a grand scale. This is a problem for each and every employee regardless of where you sit, as the talker, the one being talked about, or the one listening.

Usually this starts with one person having a problem. They don't know how to resolve the problem so they start blaming someone else. For example George has a problem with Betty because Betty doesn't seem to know what she is talking about. George might say "Betty is really bad. Don't get me wrong, I like Betty as a person and she's wonderful, but when she is in on customer meetings she says stupid things and makes herself look horrible. She hurts the company. She really shouldn't be in this position."

There are many problems with this type of thing. On the surface it might seem that George is very interested in helping the company and does value Betty. First, when we do not speak constructively and positively, the fundamental problems don't get addressed and solved. In this case, "Are we succeeding with customers and if not, how we deal with that?"

Second, George feels bad. Having a problem with someone else doesn't feel good to the person having the problem. George would benefit in his own happiness from learning more constructive approaches to communicating.

Third, the listener leaves the conversation thinking..."What is this person saying about me behind my back?" Even if George seems somewhat justified, the listener ends up feeling bad as well. The listener now feels worried.

When we talk about someone behind their back, as in this example, many people feel bad and the problem doesn't get solved. George feels bad about Betty. Betty will inevitably find out, and so she will feel bad in many ways. She will feel bad both because someone thinks negative of her and because the other person publicly humiliated her. The listener will feel bad about George because they will think he has no tact even if they are not consciously aware of it. The listener will feel bad about George as well. At the end of the day, everyone feels bad and the problem doesn't get resolved. Not only that, but often the problem will get worse, because now there is negative morale.

In this case, I think we need to start with the basic rules.

First, don't talk about people behind their back, ever.

If you're listening side of things, this is like bullying in school. If you hear it or see it, you need to stop it. Take a stand. Tell the person to talk directly to that person, and if they can't tell them to find someone who can help them with their problem.

Second, start by talking to the person directly. If you have a problem with someone talk to them directly. Use non-violent communication. There are some amazing books on this subject, but in lieu of that try to follow these simple steps:

1. Describe the problem objectively and own your opinion about it -- use specific examples "Betty when you talk to a customer and you say things like 'wifi routers make great stoves' I believe that you make us sound unprofessional and that hurt's us."

2. Describe a positive solution "I believe we would be more productive if you would learn more about technology."

If you struggle with the person and you end up in a fight, suggest that you find a third party to help. The issue is important to you and they are obviously frustrated and so are you, and you want to succeed.

Third, if you do not see how to talk to the person constructively, then ask for help from someone else, but do so in a way that takes ownership of the problem and does not blame. For example, "David, I am having a problem with Betty. I don't know how to deal with it. Can you help me?" Even if you fail at everything else, this is a good place to start. You are taking ownership of the problem, and admitting you're failing at it.

Some of this comes back to some basic ideas about our ownership of problems. Steven Covey of the 7 Habits of Effective People suggests that we are most successful when we focus on the things we can control, and we can't control others. He calls this our circle of influence. We have control over our behaviors not others. If George has a problem with Betty at the end of the day this is George's problem. George is the one who feels bad and is getting upset.

I discussed the ideas I just presented here with someone else, and they thought this method deterred employees being open about problems they are having and that are real problems to the organization. They felt it was okay to talk about someone else behind their back as long as it was not "trash talk." I believe it is all trash talk if the speaker is not taking responsibility for the problem. When would any of us feel comfortable about someone talking about us behind our backs under just about any circumstance that was not positive or glowing? We would want to be involved. This is even the basics of the justice system. We have a right to face our accuser.

Suppose that Betty is actually horrible at talking to customers. If you are her boss it's your responsibility to work with her and if you don't believe it's a good fit, then you need to take responsibility for that. There is still no need to talk with anyone else, unless you want advice on how you can solve the problem. If it's not about finding a solution that helps you deal with Betty, it's best not talk about it. If you really need to talk and vent, talk to your significant other or therapist.

If you are working with Betty and she is your peer, then again, talk to her directly. If you do believe she is really not helping or is hurting the company, and you don't believe talking to her is helping, talk to your boss or her superior and own the problem, and don't blame Betty. Your boss or her superior can make their own decisions about what is best, that's not your place and you will make yourself look bad to everyone by suggesting solutions that were not asked for.

Suicide: Why do we do it?

One of the most interesting classes that I took as a patient at McLean Hospital was given by Dr. Taylor. In it, I learned a theory why people commit suicide. This class was unusual for many reasons. First it was unusual, because as we sat in the room, Dr. Taylor walked in with a few interns, who proceeded to close the door and guard it. The door was normally left open for classes.

Dr. Taylor proceeded to tell us that he was going to give a talk about feelings. He told us that when he had first started teaching the class the door was left open and this had been a problem. One patient hearing his talk left and tried to kill himself within minutes. Dr. Taylor explained that what he was about to teach us, was so powerful that, that we need to learn about it in order to keep from killing ourselves or doing something drastically.

First, he reviewed the cognitive behavior therapy(CBT) model, which states that our psychology can loosely be classified into three components: our feelings, our thoughts/beliefs, and our behaviors. Each influences the other. The one thing we cannot control is our feelings. Emotional health is defined in part as having an ability to recognize these three aspects of our thinking as well as learn how to use our thoughts and behaviors to regulate our feelings.

Dr. Taylor then began to explain the concept of emotive dissonance. Many people who are brought up in less than ideal conditions struggle because they do not know how to regulate their emotions and are often unaware of them. Emotional awareness and expression were repressed. As a result many people grow up relying on external cues to try to figure out how they feel.

Have you ever heard someone say “I think I feel…” That is emotive dissonance. Feelings are not thoughts. When people do this, it is because they don’t know how they feel, and their mind is actually thinking and trying to figure out how we feel. Our mind generates a feeling based upon an interpretation of the environment. Feelings are not something we figure out, they are something we just are aware of.

He explained that most of us were in the hospital because something major probably happened to us within the last two months. This statement received quizzical looks as people polled their lives and quickly nodded in understanding and agreement.

The reason this is the case, he explained, is that we relied on something external in our lives to help us figure out how we feel or to provide us with emotional regulation. When that thing is removed, we lose our ability to regulate and we find emotional distress.

People can go their whole lives relying on something. For example it can happen in a marriage when a partner dies, the survivor suddenly loses their ability to regulate.

When this external thing is lost, for many people their minds quickly begin to try find their emotions, and not being able to find them, the mind gets confused. There is a disconnect between our mind which says we are alive and our feelings which do not exist and we seem to feel dead. We conclude we are emotionally dead, and to fix this contradiction, our brain desires to make us physically dead to provide consistency.

It can be tempting as Dr. Taylor explained upon hearing this to try and understand your feelings, if you don’t, and that this is dangerous if you don’t have professional guidance. So his suggestion was don’t do it. Live with not understanding.

Get a Discount: Anywhere

One of the secrets of the business world is that if you label something people think it's not negotiable. Do you want to save some money? Try this trick. The next 10 times you go shopping, ask the cashier or clerk if there is any way you can get a discount. See what happens. This includes any place you buy things including online and at hotels.

Here are a few examples of my own experience. I went in to Banana Republic and bought a few things. I asked at the counter, "Is there any way I can get a discount?" The sales clerk looks puzzled, and then thinks and says "It wasn't folded properly, so I suppose we can give you a damaged good discount of 20%."

Whenever I order from King Arthur Flour, I call them or chat online and ask for a discount. Often they will give me free shipping ($20-50 savings).

Hotel room rates are often negotiable. The next time you book a hotel ask for a discount. I just booked a hotel room in China that was normally over $200/night. I told them I was staying a month (even though I am only here 21 days) and they gave me the room for $2900, which is $138/night (21 days) or   $93/night (31 days).

I asked at a cafe once, and they gave me a free cookie.

Gandhi Rule: One Way to Respond When Feeling Violated, Disrespected, or Angry.

This is a lesson about compassion that I learned the hard way, but wish I had learned earlier. For those of you who I have not been kind to or patient with, I apologize. I share this in the hope that others may benefit and learn from my mistakes.

I have come to love principled non-violence over the years, not because I feel bad about hurting others primarily, but because I lose respect for myself when others are hurt due to my actions. It took many years to realize that my feelings of anger towards others and my own irritability came from the fact that I did not respect myself. I lacked internal strength. My negative thoughts towards others hurt me more than they hurt others. My girlfriend has a quote she likes, which is "You have to respect yourself first."

I've heard a few stories about Gandhi, that illustrate this point and serve as a reminder to me. The first story goes something like this. One day Gandhi received a letter from a boy. The boy said, "I was being bullied and I wanted to punch the other boy, but I remembered that I should act non-violently and I decided not to hit him, however, I felt ashamed afterwards."

To which Gandhi replied, "You should have hit him", and added something similar to his famous quote, in fact this might have been the point where it originated, "it is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence."

A frequent thing that Gandhi did in regards to being uncertain how to behave when he felt violated or that something was unjust was to choose not to act if he didn't know a better way. 

This can be seen in the Gandhi movie at one point during his South African struggles, when Martin Sheen's character, a reporter, asks "What do you think an important professional should write about your response to General Smut's newest legislation?" 

To which Gandhi replies "I don't know. I am still searching for a response." Not knowing what to do, is okay, and maybe as good as you can get for now.

Gandhi Rule

That leads me what I call my I call my Gandhi rule. Whenever I feel compelled to act to fix a situation or respond to feeling disrespected and my feelings contain anger or malice it means I am allowing others to dictate my self-worth, and that I don't respect myself. Instead, I can choose to do nothing. I must first find respect in myself. If there is a real problem that needs to be addressed, I do can do it later. I can wait until I find a more compassionate solution. If I do not respect myself, there is no action I can take that will create respect in others or create meaningful lasting change. The reason I wait is not to be nice to others, but because I don't like the way that I feel about myself when I don't act from a place of strength, and I am the one who is left unhappy afterwards.

Charging Your Customers an Hourly Rate Can Really Hurt You: Some Ideas on Doing Better

One of the biggest mistakes I think a person or company can make is charging by the hour. Everyone loses. This applies even to employees.

Ultimately when we charge people for our services we want to do two things: make money, and serve our customers. Neither of these things go well when pricing by the hour, because your value is not clearly expressed. If you think about pricing you can really improve how much money you make and the value your customers receive.

One of the first principles of pricing is to frame yourself in comparison to your perceived nearest competition. When you price by the hour, you are perceived as a commodity, and in commodities, low price is of the goal. Keep in mind that customers often think about the total cost, not the hourly cost. That is how they tend to measure value.

One of the biggest problems with pricing by the hour, is that it does not have a multiplier built in. It's very hard to make money when you work once and get paid once. You have to find a way to work once and get paid multiple times, this is a key to doing well. You'll be hard pressed to find people who are successful in any terms who are not applying this principle. For some companies, having a multiplier means producing a product. Design a product, sell it many times. For actors, it's get paid for a movie, sell it many times (royalties).

This is possible even in service related businesses. Hosting companies charge a monthly service, or bandwidth charges. Do you have a dirty yard because of the dogs? Doody Calls (www.doodycalls.com) will clean up for you at various levels and frequencies depending upon what you pay for.

The other problem with pricing by the hour is that you have no flexibility in the quality of work. When I first started, I worked as a software engineer and I tried pricing by the hour and I often struggled because sometimes I wanted do way more work than required because of my quality standards or I enjoyed the project. I cannot charge the client for this. At times I would say that I did more work than required and tell the client that I would not charge them for this, but somehow I found this damaging to my reputation, it sounded like I should just get paid less per hour because I wasn't that good. On other hand, sometimes I was able to work very quickly and perform amazingly well, but in those cases I get paid less because I worked less hours. I was penalized for doing a good job.

So how can you switch into multiplier mode and escape hourly rates? Let's consider some commonly hourly business and the ways in which they could reframe themselves. As an overriding principle focus on what the biggest value you offer to your customers and what customers want most from you. Also consider packages or levels of service. Packages make it harder for your customers to compare you to others, and it encourages the customer to focus on overall value.

If you're web designer an hourly rate can be a problem you will want as many hours as possible while you're client will not.  Consider instead perhaps that you could focus instead on a total fixed project cost. Or consider using a common base design or template and selling this.

Or perhaps you can charge a fixed up front cost and a fixed monthly fee for ongoing maintenance. This could work for you and your customer as most sites require constant maintenance and it is in your best interest to provide a consistently high quality site since the customer is a reference and reflects your reputation.

If you're a therapist consider creating videos or books that you can sell to your clients. Or perhaps you can offer regular lectures to all your patients on a particular topic and charge for these. Or perhaps you could offer a paid video education series on particular health topics.

You could also consider a monthly fee and be more flexible in your services, such as offering various levels of telephone or email support for your clients when they are suffering rather than a weekly session, such as 9-5, or 24x7. Or perhaps they are allowed one out of session emergency call per month. Perhaps you throw in your monthly lecture when they at a certain price point. Or perhaps you could charge for various stages of the treatment process, such as one price for a diagnosis, and another for progress along the treatment path.

On the other hand, if you're in the field of construction or a contractor, consider instead charging a fixed rate for the project, or for various levels of quality. Consider, like the above suggestion for web designers, a monthly or annual maintenance service.

Let's consider some pricing options if you're a music teacher. Like a therapist, consider offering packages of services such as lectures, online instruction, telephone support, or practice reminders. Perhaps you can offer tools to help your students track their progress. Consider group classes. You could also charge based upon time of day or the day of the week. Certain time slots during the day or during the week are more valuable than others, both to you and your client. You could consider having more experienced students teaching less experienced ones. The more experienced students getting a discount or something for what they teach to others, or simply paying them outright.

You could price more like tuition than per individual classes and offer a comprehensive set of things or make a more complex set or requirements in order to be students. For example you could require students to take certain courses (group classes), or required they teach a certain number of other students.

With all these pricing ideas, the overall goal is that pricing by the hour is dangerous and it is very difficult to get ahead with that model. Focus instead on the greatest value you provide. Consider offering packages of services instead. Think about the ways in which you repeat certain aspects of your job over and over and try to capitalize on that with things like videos, books, or lectures.

Do you have a situation in which you are paid hourly and would like to escape? Do you have other to help others who are stuck in the hourly pricing model? Tell me and maybe we can share ideas.

Basics of Health

Health Problems

I am not a doctor, but I play one on the Internet. I believe health problems can be divided into two major categories: symptomatic and chronic.

Symptomatic Problems

Symptomatic problems are those that are generally imposed from outside or involve treating specific symptoms. I heard Dr. Weil says that if is his arm was cut off, he would want to be taken to a hospital. This is the realm of conventional and traditional medicine. 

Crutches are a good symbol of symptomatic medicine. For symptomatic problems we want to support our own bodies ability to heal to bring us back to health.

Chronics Problems

Chronic problems are the ones that last for a long time, and can easily be life long. These include heart burn/reflux, chronic fatigue syndrome, and cardiovascular disease. 

If you look for remedies for chronic conditions you will have a hard time finding clear remedies. The problem is that in most cases there is a fundamental problem with our overall health. 

The exact treatment depends upon the individual, but most people respond best to the same things that make us happy and healthy overall: low stress, a good diet (mostly fruits and vegetables), and moderate exercise (like walking). This is in some sense common sense. We might debate the merits of what exactly a good diet is, but these things are subtleties. 

The other good news is that basic health also minimizes symptomatic health issues as well as prevents them. Stress for example makes you more prone to injury. All of these together minimize your chances of cancer and heart attacks.

Metta Meditation: Using Love to Help Heal Trauma

I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and I have a severe history of abuse and neglect.  I have learned many techniques over the years and many have been exceptionally helpful.  These include: support groups, psychodynamic therapy, DBT, CBT, yoga, and vocational therapy among others.

All of these things are like different exercises that you might do at the gym, and like those exercise have some benefits in relation to some aspect of my trauma, but none of them can solve all my problems. Furthermore, each of them has downsides. Psychodynamic therapy is expensive. CBT can get me too into my head. Overall, like exercising your body you often need multiple methods to keep you fit.

There is however one technique that seems to always work for me on some level. This is the meditative practice of cultivating love and compassion called metta. We try to think of people and develop a feeling of warm hearted compassion for them.

Do not confuse this with open acceptance of the rights and wrongs or letting people take advantage of you. In my case, I can develop a feeling of warm heartedness towards my deceased mother who hurt me dearly without supporting the harmful things she did. Developing compassion is about being able to wish the best for any person and develop respect for them even if you don't agree with their point of view.

Here is what I like to do. First, every day I try to set aside at least 15 minutes. I find I can do this when going to bed, during a middle of the night waking, first thing when I wake up in the morning, or anytime I have a few minutes to spare.

Second, I try to come up with a group of people to think about. It could be all of my family members. It could be that I go through the alphabet and try to find one person whom I know for each letter of the alphabet.  It could be old girlfriends, old classmates, people I met yesterday, or parents at school. I like to mix it up to keep it fresh and always be reminded of all the people in this world who I have known.

Then, person by person I bring the person to mind as vividly as I can and I imagine saying the words to the "May you be happy. May you know peace. May you know all the causes and conditions of happiness. May you be truly happy." Sometimes I follow this with personal loving comments directly related to them. Sometimes I add a prayer.

What also helps, is that after each person I also think about how my physical body feels. I notice the entire feeling in my body from my head to my toes. The feelings in my face, my arms, my back, and all over. Sometimes the improvement is almost not noticeable, but as I go through more people and practice regularly there is definite improvement.

Parenting: Half an Hour a Day

I grew up in an extremely abusive and neglectful family and life. So like most people my parents were far from perfect. So I try to think about what could have been different. While the ideal would have been for them to get their act together, that's not realistic.  That's a difficult a disk for any of us. However if there was one thing my parents could have done, it would have been to spend a half an hour a day with me.

By "half an hour a day", I don't me simply being in the room or house with me or watching TV, but just sitting down with me and whatever I was doing. They would not really have had to even talk. They would not have had to play. They could still have their issues. However, I would have wanted them to just be there and not be doing anything else. No cleaning. No household chores. No phone calls.  Just sitting one on one with me. Just present with me.

As a parent sitting like this is hard, but I think it demonstrates many things that are useful to a child. First, it shows that the parents are available physically and to a large degree emotionally. This builds a sense of safety.

Second, it builds stability. Knowing that I would have had some quality time with my parents on a consistent basis provides order to my life. Something I can count on each day.

Third, it nurtures self-esteem. Just being, regardless of what I am doing, would have said that I am okay just as I am, doing whatever it is that I do. As a parent, I find just sitting builds my own self-esteem as well, and that I provide a role model to my children.

Have you tried just sitting with your child for a half an hour and just being without doing anything? It really challenges your sense of self worth and you have to learn to accept that who you are, just as you are, is good enough. This mirrored back to the child.

Fourth, having my parents be there in this way would have allowed my physical body to relax and just sit. No need for constant activity and distracting. Just letting my mind rest. In a way it would have been like a form of childhood meditation.

Even as  I child I think I could have understood how crazy my mother was and separated her craziness from my self-esteem. I could understand how she has other things in life she has to attend to. My self-esteem would have been stronger and I would be much more prepared emotionally for all the trauma that occurred in all aspects of my life. I would have been much more able to survive the abuses from everyone. I would have more strength to face the injustice and realize it wasn't me.

So my goal is to spend at least a half an hour a day with my kids everyday.

Apprentice Style Business Competition

We tried this idea at my company with great success and fun. The ideas is an apprentice style business competition.

1. We decide what the business is.
2. Everyone competes with the same objective.
3. Whoever has the highest profit wins.

The last competition was at work and we had 5 teams of two. The goal was to publish a book within three months. Each team had a maximum budget of $100. It was surprising to see how much people could do in their spare time.

It's great opportunity, because unlike your primary job, there is no penalty for failure. If you can even make one dollar and no-one else does, you win.

I am trying to get something started and I'm looking for teams of two. Send me your names.

What's the prize? Bragging rights.  You get to keep any earnings.

If you know anyone, let us know.

Self Awareness: The First Step Toward Psychological Health

In modern psychology, one of the first things that you will benefit from knowing is the CBT triangle. This is what we call self-awareness. When you understand your self you classify the major mental aspects of your life into three categories:

• Feelings
• Behaviors
• Thoughts

 If you want to improve your mental health, learn how to recognize and differentiate these aspects of your self. Understand that each influences each other. How you think influences how you feel. How you feel influences how you think and act.

Many of the problems of this world and your own suffering come not from feeling, but from what you do with those feelings. When we experience intense emotions, we are often compelled to act. We can be wise by realizing that feelings won't kill us. Learning to recognize and sit with your feelings is an important part of your emotional development.

The same can be said if you are raising children. If you have children you can help them learn  to differentiate these aspects of their self. Keep in mind that children below the age of 3 have virtually no ability to regulate their feelings, but you can at least help them be more aware by communicating to them what they seem to be feeling and teaching them not to be afraid of negative feelings.

Two Levels of Happiness

There are two levels of happiness:

• Temporary Happiness
• Lasting Happiness

Temporary Happiness

Much of what we experience is temporary happiness. We all try to make decisions to make our lives better. Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail. When we do succeed we experience some pleasure. Unfortunately these feelings often fade and we are left with nothing but a memory. In many cases not only do the feelings wane but they are replaced with pain.

A major motivation for making poor decisions is that we want to avoid rather than deal with our deep negative feelings. We don't like being sad, empty, lonely, insecure, or lacking of a purpose.

Lasting Happiness

Our true goal is to maximize our happiness--happiness that lasts and is deep. To do that start here.

1. Learn to recognize what you feel.
2. Do not run from or try to change negative feelings.
3. Learn to sit with and tolerate the storm of your negative feelings. Feelings won't kill you. To sit with and directly face the negative feelings of life is scary. When you feel lonely, insecure, empty, a lack of purpose, or boredom, face these feelings head on rather than trying to find a way to eliminate them. Have a sort of "bring it on" attitude.

Subtle Mind

All of these leads to the real path to happiness--the subtle mind. When you can sit with your negative feelings and rest comfortably in the world of your feelings you will begin to recognize little glimpses of the deepest happiness inside yourself. Learn to recognize these and support them.

Trust: How to build it.

Obsession

Starbucks Competition is Ignorance not Independent Cafe

Using Price To Avoid Bad Customers and Promote Good Ones

If I wrote a Fisker Karma Marketing Plan...

Understanding Omega-3 Fats

Easy Tips to Improve Your Baking

A Simple List

I've tried to keep the list as simple as possible and stick to the most essential things and high impact things.

Tip 1: Learn To Use A Scale

Ever wonder why a recipe works one time and not the next? Or why a recipe everyone raves about fails for you? You need a scale. Cups are very inaccurate. When the colonists arrived to America, they did not have many scales so they resorted to cups for baking. The rest of the world uses scales.

Baking is not like cooking. If you're off by 25% in your flour you'll have dense rock cookies versus the nice spread you expect.

Plus as an added bonus...scales are easier and faster than cups. By using the scales tare function, you can often pour things right into your main bowl without using any utensils or extra bowls.

Tip 2: Use King Arthur Flour Recipes by Weight

If you're going to use a scale you need to find recipes that are listed by weight, not by cups. King Arthur Flour is one of the few places you can find this. They have a wide variety of recipes, many are online, and tested by professional bakers.

Yes again there is a bonus! If you have problems, their professional bakers will often help you, for free!

Tip 3: Use Baking Stones

Your oven is probably crazier than you think. You may be surprised, but probably you're not, but how off, uneven, and erratic your oven heating can be. You COULD calibrate your oven or buy a fancier one but personally I'm lazy and assume most of us don't have the money for that. The trick? Use baking stones. Get too large rectangular baking stones. Put one on the top rack and on the rack you will use.

Stones are awesome because they they minimize problems with inconsistent or uneven oven temperatures.

Tip 4: Always Preheat

Baked goods are heated in three ways. Your oven's thermometer measures only one of these temperatures: the air. Baked goods are cooked mostly by the radiant heat -- the heat coming off of the sides, tops, and bottoms of your oven. Another reason why baking stones are important. It takes much longer to get the entire oven up to the temperature of your thermometer read out.

Tip 5: Follow Directions Exactly

Inpatient people will hate this rule. Baking is not cooking. You can't go with the flow and expect consistent results. Don't worry! If you don't have time for the directions, go for a simpler recipe or method. This might even including going with a box mix.

Chefs don't put directions down to waste your time. They are trying to save you time. If you're busy find simpler recipes, or practice in advance. For example in cakes or cookies, beating sugar and eggs before adding flour is often important. The sugar will not dissolve as easily when the flour is present and there is less liquid, and also the sugar is important for spread and color. And with the eggs, they will not be mixed as evenly and not provide the same structure. Or, if the flour is beat too much, it will become chewy and there will be too much gluten development which will affect the spread and toughness of your final product. Follow the directions.

Tip 6: Keep Ingredients at Room Temperature

Many ingredients can be kept at room temperature. When the temperature of your ingredients is off, you will have problems with things like spread, dissolving, and blending. Eggs and butter can easily be kept at room temperature for some time. They were both designed to be kept at room temperature before the age of refrigeration. That's why butter is salted (as a preservative) or cultured as in Europe.

Milk will go bad, but if you can put it out a few hours before you bake it will help.

Don't microwave your ingredients! If the ingredients are not at room temperature, microwaving is not a good solution. For example melted butter does not aerate well (which is important for leavening) nor blend with the ingredients when microwaved. Stick to room temperature.

Other Useful Things

Those were the main tips, but there are also a few extra useful tips.

1. Use High Quality Parchment

Using parchment when baking helps keep your pans clean and food from sticking. High quality parchment is biodegradable, flat, and can be reused a few times.

2. Use a Dough Whisk

Many people haven't heard of this before, but it's a popular baking tool in baking circles. Unlike a spoon which doesn't mix well because it has no tines, or a whisk which has too many, a dough whisk is a cross between a spoon and a whisk. Makes life easier.

3. Use High Quality Pans

Quality does not mean expensive. A poor pan will provide uneven baking of course. The color and material do matter. Go for thicker matte aluminum pans. Avoid fancy, big brand, or designer pans like silicone, glass, or teflon.

4. Get Inspired by the King Arthur Store.

Check out the King Arthur Flour store website and get on their mailing list. They are very inspiring and often have great gift ideas. Negotiate a shipping discount by chatting on line or over the phone. A super place to buy gifts!

5. Use a Kitchen Aid Mixer

Any high end mixer will do, but if you bake at all regularly or buy baked goods it's worth the investment to bake at home and save money. Mixing is the most time consuming part of baking, and it's worth saving the time and doing it well by using a machine.

6. Buy an Infrared Temperature Gauge

A nice tool for gadget people. When it comes to checking the temperature of your oven or ingredients quickly, just point an infrared thermometer at what you want to measure. This is a great gift in general for guys that can be used in many ways throughout the home and in life, including taking your own temperature. They usually have a laser as well...extra cool!

7. Instant Read Thermometer

The most surefire way to tell when your baked goods are done is an instant read thermometer. Just insert into whatever your baking and the temperature will you tell if you if it's done or not. Take the guesswork out of "Is this toothpick coming out clean? Do we have toothpicks?" These also work great for cooking in general and can help you cook the perfect hamburger, chicken, or Thanksgiving turkey.

Understand Anger and Frustration